The Adventures and Misadventures of Snuffles
by Evie2
Summary: Sirius comes to live w/ Harry at the Dursleys one summer as a stray dog.One problem;Sirius acts like a real dog. :)Bathing, pharamones, and house-training.And back by popular demand-killer socks!
1. A Big Black Ball of Fun

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters. Sirius's behavior in this story is based off that of my dog's. Except, of course, my dog has never turned into a person. Be warned, this is the most screwed up story I've ever written.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Harry woke up to a pounding on his door. It took him a minute to remember where he was.  
"Where am I?" he asked. "And why am I so incoherent?"  
It was the summer after his fourth year, and Harry had been demoted into his cupboard. The only reason his uncle had given for this was because Harry's father "was a no-good bum". Harry was rather disgruntled about this, but with Voldemort rising to power, he had things on his mind other than the size and location of his room. The pounding on the door continued.  
"Harry! Wake up you lazy good-for-nothing and fix the breakfast!"   
"Yes, Aunt Petunia."  
*holy crap, when did i become so whipped?* Harry thought. Suddenly, a crazed sock jumped out from under the bed and started to gnaw on his arm. "Ah! Get off me you lousy sock!" Harry yelled and put the sock on his foot, because everyone knows the best way to sooth and irate sock is to wear it. (A/N: this needs some explaining. if you've never read any of my stories before, in Harry-Potter-Land, socks are evil and conniving and are plotting doom and demise for all. Read my other stories for more information)  
Harry opened his door and found himself in a stampede of wild rhinoceri. (A/N: yes, rhinoceri. it's the plural for rhinoceros, at least it is in my little world. so there) Never mind, it was just his porker cousin, Dudley.  
"Get out of my way, brat! And make my breakfast, I'm starving!" Dudley shoved him into a wall.   
Harry muttered a few things under his breath that I can't say in a PG-13 story and didn't for a moment overlook the fact that it was nearly impossible for Dudley to starve, as he would be able to live at least three months off of his own body fat. He went into the kitchen and commenced with the breakfast making.   
While scrambling the eggs, Harry thought he heard a scratching at the front door. He stopped to listen and was hit up-side the head. As he turned back to the egg scrambling, Harry heard the scratching again, this time accompinied by an odd sort of knocking. Uncle Vernon lowered his paper.  
"Boy! See what's at the door!" he said.  
Harry did some more obsene muttering as he walked down the hall to the door. He opened the door, and was shocked to see - - - absolutely nothing. He slammed the door and turned away.  
"BARK!" said the door.  
Harry turned around and gave the door a very bemused look (understandably).  
"BARK BARK!" said the door.  
It was then that Harry realized that the barking was coming from outside the door. He looked out the door once again and saw - - - nothing. Then it occurred to our young hero to look down. A big, black, shaggy dog was on his doorstep.  
"Siri-, I mean, Padfo-, I mean, SNUFFLES!" Harry yelled and opened the door so his godfather could come in. Sirius offered him a note that was sticking out of his mouth and Harry took it. "Ew, you drooled on it." Sirius gave a grunt that let Harry know he didn't care. Harry read the note.  
  
"Harry,  
Hi! I'm a lovable stray that has come to live with you for the summer! Don't worry about what your relatives will say. They got a letter from Dumbledore saying that if they don't let me live here, a plague worse than that which fell upon Egypt will haunt their legacy. Okay, so I forged it, but sounds good anyway, right?"  
  
"I told you if you kept watching `The Ten Commandments' it was going to go to your head," Harry said. Sirius growled. Harry kept reading.  
  
"I know I was supposed to stay with Remus, but he's no fun. He gets really cranky when he's sleepy. Okay, you caught me, I really left because I worry everyday about your life, but let's not allow that to spoil our fun! There are a few things you should probably know... The first is that I can talk to you telepathically while I'm a dog."  
  
"Bulls---," Harry said.  
*watch your langauge, young man!* Sirius thought-said.  
Harry decided to deal with this trauma later and kept reading.  
  
"You have to talk outloud, and I reply by mind. I don't understand it either; Remus did it. The second thing is that while I'm a dog, I'm going to act like a dog. It's not my fault, it just seems natural to my canine form. So don't be disturbed by that. I eat dog food. I'll sleep on the end of your bed. I'm a good boy."  
  
"Oh no, that's not disturbing at all," Harry said cynically. Sirius smiled up at him, the way dogs have a habit of doing. "Please tell me you're house trained," Harry begged.  
*well...um...kind of..." Sirius thought-said.  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
*i know enough to go outside!* Sirius thought-said proudly.  
"Oh for the love of Pete," Harry sighed and walked back into the kitchen, motioning for Sirius to follow.  
"Oh, that filthy beast is here?" Aunt Petunia asked, her nose turning up in dislike.  
Harry felt himself getting angry, but didn't do anything about it. "Yeah. I guess he's staying for a while."  
"Fine, but you just better keep him under control. Or else," she hissed.  
*what a bitch* Sirius thought-said.  
Harry finished making the breakfast and sat down at the table with the rest of his family. Sirius sat at his feet.  
*can i have some sausage?*  
Harry didn't reply.  
*please*  
Harry didn't say anything, as not to arouse suspicion from his aunt and uncle.  
*c'mon man, i'm HUUUUUUUUUNGRY!*  
Harry stuck his head under the table. "Would you wait a minute!" he hissed and pulled his head out again, banging it against the bottom of the table on the way up.  
*haha, loser.* Sirius thought-said as he started to gnaw on Harry's ankle.  
Harry sighed. This was going to be a long summer. 


	2. Ball Chasing and Poor, Poor Hermione!

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters. Or any sanity. Could some one please sell me some?  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Harry was lying on his bed that afternoon, doing his homework (which his aunt and uncle actually permitted this summer). Sirius was curled up at the end of the bed.  
*bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored* Sirius had been thought-saying for the last half-hour.  
"Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm obviously not going to get any homework done," Harry irately said.  
*i dunno*  
He sighed in frustration. Suddenly, Sirius sat up and barked.  
*is that...... no way! it can't be!*  
Sirius leapt off Harry's bed and started pawing at something underneath the dresser. A moment later, he came out triumphant.  
*TENNIS BALL!*  
"You've got to be kidding me!" Harry laughed.  
*c'mon c'mon c'mon let's go!* Sirius pushed Harry from behind out the door and into the back yard.   
He dropped the ball at Harry's feet. Harry stood and stared at Sirius.  
*come on harry, throw it!*  
"You're how old, again?"  
*thirty-four. now throw the ball!*  
Sirius started running in circles.  
"Shouldn't you techincally be dead in dog years?"  
Sirius stopped. *blimey, you're a downer. you're worse than remus*  
"Hey! I'm your godson! You can't say that to me!"  
*i'll take it back if you throw the ball*  
"You're insane."  
*i'm insane? you're the one talking to a dog, a dog that you just called your godfather.* Sirius looked over the rose bushes, where Harry's neighbor, Mrs. Winterbottom, was standing, her mouth gaping open.  
"H-Hello Mrs. Winterbottom," Harry said bashfully.  
"Hello, Harry dear," she said very slowly. "How are we feeling today?"  
*haha haha she thinks your crazy*  
"Just fine, thank you."  
"That's a nice doggy you have there," she said, speaking slowly and clearly, like one would to a four year old. "Can you tell me your doggy's name?"  
"Oh, erm," Harry thought.  
*rambo*  
Harry thought somemore.  
*buddy. spot. scruffy. james.*  
"I am NOT naming you after my father!" Harry whispered. "Snuffles," he finally answered a very worried Mrs. Winterbottom.   
"That's nice dear," she chuckled, and quickly went inside her house.  
*snuffles is a gay name*  
"You thought of it first," Harry said, reluctantly picking up the tennis ball.  
*ooh! ball! throw the ball throw the ball throw the ball*  
Harry threw the ball.  
*YES!!!!!!! ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball ball..........*  
  
After a good hour of ball throwing, Harry and Sirius went inside so Sirius could take a nap. Harry sat down on the couch and the dog curled up at his feet.   
"You know, Snuffles, this isn't so bad," Harry said, unconsciously stroking Sirius's fur.  
*yeah. it's a dog's life.....*  
Just then, the door bell rang. Harry and Snuffles went to answer the door.  
"Hi Harry!" Ron and Hermione said.  
"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" Harry said, letting them inside.  
"Are your relatives going to be angry?" Hermione asked nervously.  
"Who cares?" Harry said.   
"Snuffles!" Ron said. Hermione and Ron both dropped to their knees so they could give Snuffles a hug.  
*hermione smells good. mmm.....her shampoo smells like flowers....*  
"You're weird," Harry said.  
"Harry, who ya talkin' to?" Ron asked, in much the same tone Mrs. Winterbottom had used.  
"Oh, Snuffles. He talks in his mind, and I can hear him, and then I have to talk out loud."  
"Oh sure, I read about that in a book," Hermione said.  
"Of course you did. You always do," Ron said. "Hey, I got new dress robes!"  
The three talked for a long time. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia had taken Dudley to the gym. Sirius sat down by Hermione. Harry's feelings were a little bit hurt, but who can deny the temptations of flower-smelling shampoo? The three amigos helped themselves to some juice. Sirius put his head in Hermione's lap. This made Harry and Ron a little uncomfortable.  
"You're lucky I'm a dog person, Snuffles," Hermione chuckled, scratching him behind the ears.  
*t-t-t-t-t-that feels g-g-g-g-good* Sirius thought-said. *hey, harry, wanna know something funny?*  
"What's that?" Harry asked Sirius.  
*hermione's in heat*  
"Ew!" said Harry.  
*hahahahahaha i bet you didn't want to know that hahahahaha* (A/N: omg this is so screwed up. i want to apologize right now)  
"Do you guys want some more juice?" Harry asked, walking towards the kitchen.  
"Here, Hermione, I'll get you some more," Ron said, taking her glass.   
"Aw, thanks Ron," Hermione said, sitting back down.  
Ron and Harry busied themselves getting more juice when they suddenly heard a scream and a dog-like yelp from the next room.  
"What? What happened?" Harry asked. Sirius was crawling under the table. Hermione was in tears.  
"Y-Your..." she took a deep breath, "Your godfather just humped my leg!"  
"Sirius!" Harry yelled. "Bad dog!"  
*i'm sorry i'm sorry i couldn't help it!* Sirius thought-said. He was whimpering under the table.  
"He says he's sorry, Hermione," Harry said. Ron put his arm around his girlfriend (A/N: oh yeah, Ron and Hermione are dating). "He can't help it when he's in animagus form. He acts like a dog, but it's not his fault. He's sorry about it."  
Sirius continued to wimper under the table. Hermione took a minute to control herself and then said, "I know. I fogive you."  
Sirius slowly crawled out from under the table, but hung his head in shame and retreated to Harry's cupboard.   
*i've never been so embarressed in my whole frickin' life......*  
Ron and Hermione left shortly after that. Harry couldn't blame them.  
"What'd you go and have to do a thing like that for?" he continued to scold.  
*hey, i'll do the scolding around here, young man!* Sirius's hackles went up as he thought-spoke.  
"I'm not the one going around humping young girls! She's 14, Sirius! That's illegal! Not to mention really, really gross...."  
Sirius yawned and gave a little doggy smile. *you'll understand when you're older, kiddo* And with that, he went to sleep. Harry spent the rest of the night trying to avoid the psychological repercussions of such an event, and finally fell into a fitfull slumber. 


	3. The Most Screwed Up Chapter in My FanFic...

Disclaimer/Notes: I'm so sorry for absolutely destroying these characters that don't belong to me anyway........  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Harry woke up the next morning to find his face being licked. As much as I want to completely screw up this scene and make it someone other than the obvious doing the licking, Sirius was the licker. Damn my morals.  
"Get off, Sirius, I'm awake," Harry groaned and pushed his godfather away.  
*about time!* he thought-said *i've been awake for hours*  
Harry sat up and put on his glasses.  
*umm....harry?*  
"What is it?"  
*i gotta go*  
Harry' heart sank. "But you just got here! Where do you have to go?"  
*er, not that sort of go....i mean, i have to GO*  
Realization dawned on Harry. "Oh, okay. Can you, um, use a toilet?"  
*i'm a dog. what the hell do you think?*  
"Good point."  
Harry let his godfather out the back door and politely turned away. Aunt Petunia started screeching from upstairs.  
"Boy, you better clean up after that dog! He's your responsibility!"  
Harry groaned as he let Padfoot back inside.  
*haha, sucks to be you* he thought-said.  
"Oh shut up."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~later that afternoon~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The day had gone fairly well. Sirius had dictated a letter for Hermione to Harry, once again expressing his embarressment and apologies. Then he had chased Hedwig around the backyard (much to Hedwig's dislike). Then he had helped Harry make lunch, which consisted of little more than sitting, watching, and drooling (on Sirius's part, not Harry's). They were talking in Harry's room when Aunt Petunia opened the door to check up on them, or more likely, assure herself that the troublesome boy and his new dog-friend weren't plotting to turn the whole family into cockroaches. She flung open the door and put on a disgusted face.  
"Harry Remus Potter!" she said, covering her nose with her hand. "That animal positively reeks! Go upstairs and bathe it THIS INSTANT!" And with that she walked away. Sirius started to laugh (on the inside, as it's hard for a dog to laugh on the outside).  
*hahahaha you aren't having a very good day, are you?*  
Harry walked upstairs to the bathroom, Sirius following, singing "I'm a Little Teapot" to himself.  
"You better give me one huge thank you for this," Harry said. He filled the bathtub with warm water. Sirius abruptly stopped singing.  
*don't i get bubbles?* he thought-said.  
Harry pulled out some bubble bath, which smelled like lilacs. It was Dudley's. Padfoot climbed into the tub.  
*hey, lock the door, will you?* he thought-said.  
Harry was somewhat confused by this request, but locked the door anyway. When he turned around, the dog had become a man.   
"Oh!" Harry said, covering his eyes.  
"What?" Sirius asked, grabbing a bar of soap.  
"You're not wearing any clothes!" Harry noticed the dirty gray robes at his feet.  
"What's your point? Someone's not very secure in his masculinity...besides, that's what the bubbles are for."  
Harry sat down on the floor with his back against the tub.  
"I'm perfectly secure."  
"Sure you are, son, whatever you say." Sirius grabbed some shampoo and started to scrub his head. "I can't believe your aunt said I smelled."  
"Well, you kind of did," Harry said honestly.  
Sirius splashed him.  
"Hey! That wasn't nice!" Harry protested, wiping the water off his clothes.  
"Well, you weren't being very nice either! Mind you, I was living off rats for you at one point. Rats!"  
Harry couldn't argue this. He settled back down against the tub.  
"Yuck, my hair was getting to be worse than Snape's," Sirius commented as he scratched his head in a very doglike way.  
"That's a real achievement," Harry said. "You think he would use his natural greasy-ness to his advantage. You know, bottle his hair up and sell it to Crisco Oils or something."  
Sirius laughed loudly. Too loudly. Aunt Petunia banged on the door.   
"Boy! What's going on in there?"  
"Eh, nothing Aunt Petunia!"  
"I could swear I heard a full grown man!"  
"Well, I..." Harry cast his mind around for ideas, "I went through a voice change."  
This was enough to make Aunt Petunia stop asking questions.  
"Maybe I should be quiet," Sirius whispered.  
"Really, you think?" Harry said harshly.  
Sirius brought his head out of the water with a hurt expression on his face. "I'm sorry," Harry apologized. "I'm not being a very good godson, am I?"  
"Well, not many kids have to deal with having dogs for godfathers, do they?" Sirius said.  
"Still-"  
"Still nothing. Give me that washcloth."  
The bath water was nearly black with all the dirt. "Blimey Padfoot, didn't Remus let you use his shower?"  
"Of course he did. My shiny, glossy coat just happens to attract dirt. Let me borrow your wand."  
Harry pulled his wand out from under his shirt. "If the Ministry sees magic going on here, I'm going to get expelled," he said timidly.  
"Okay, first off," Sirius said, "no one is going to expell the Boy-Who-Lived from school. Especially not Dumbledore. Secondly, I'm a Marauder. Don't you think I have my ways of getting around the Ministry?" He grinned mischievously. "Let me show you a bit of magic, Padfoot, Prongs, and Moony style."  
"Wormtail's been excommunicated?"  
"Without a doubt."  
Sirius taught Harry a complex spell to set on his wand. Whenever Harry wanted to work magic without the Ministry knowing, all he had to do was say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" and then magic away.  
"As happy as I am that you taught me that, I feel a little funny about being tutored by a naked man in the bathtub," Harry said suddenly.  
"You know, you're right," Sirius said. He used Harry's wand to magic his robes clean, and Harry faced the door as Sirius got dressed. When he turned around, Sirius had once again become Snuffles, except this time, he didn't smell nearly as bad.  
*mmmm.....i smell like lilacs.......*  
"I'm sure Hermione would be impressed," Harry teased.  
*for the last time, it wasn't my fault!*  
  
*~*~*~*~*~that night~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Harry was happy to sit in his cupboard that night, using his newly improved wand to practice the stupify spell on his rebellious socks, when he heard a whimper come from upstairs.  
"Padfoot?" he called, venturing out of his cupboard. He listened until he heard another whimper come from Dudley's room. Swearing badly enough to make a sailor blush (A/N: our boy's developed quite the mouth, hasn't he?), Harry bounded up the steps and burst into Dudley's room. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"  
Dudley looked up from his work. Sirius was on a short leash which was tied to the bed, wearing what appeared to be an old house coat and a floral-patterned bonnet. (A/N: I would like to stop a moment so I can apologize to you readers out there. This story didn't deserve to be written. It's so screwed up. I don't know where these ideas are coming from, but I'm pretty sure I've been possessed on some low level) Harry didn't need any telepathic communication to know the thoughts that were coursing through Sirius's mind. As it turns out, only one of these thoughts made it to Harry.  
*help me*  
"I was just playing with your dog," Dudley said, innocently.  
"Well, don't! He doesn't like wearing womens' clothes!" Harry shouted while releasing Sirius from his leash.  
*you tell him, harry!*  
Harry lingered a moment, but decided not to use his wizarding abilities against Dudley...this time. He lead Padfoot down the stairs.  
*i feel so...violated*  
"Don't worry, it won't happen again," Harry muttered, shutting the cupboard door behind them. They sat in silence on the bed. Suddenly, Padfoot rolled over onto his back.  
*hey harry*  
"What?"  
*scratch my tummy*  
"WHAT? No!"  
*aw c'mon....*  
"Do you know how screwed up this is?"  
*yeah, probably....i lived off rats. big, slimy, icky rats*  
"I'm being blackmailed," Harry sighed as he scratched his godfather's stomach. "You're such a dog, Sirius."  
*yeah, i know*  
After a few minutes, Harry turned off the light and crawled under the covers. Sirius settled at the end of his bed.  
"Padfoot?"  
*yeah?*  
"You're my best friend."  
*Aw..........geez harry.....*  
Harry thought he heard a weird, sort of choking noise in his mind.  
"Padfoot, are you crying?"  
*(sniffling) no.......*  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
sorry about that, but i had to put in a mushy ending. i don't mean it seriously, please laugh at my attempt at compassion. hey, while you're waiting for me to write more of this, go read my other stories! they're funnier than this piece of crap, honest! 


	4. The Periless Trip to the Vet

Disclaimer/Notes: I still do not own the Harry Potter characters. I don't see why these disclaimers are necessary. Like you actually expected me to log on one day and say, "Oye, guess what? I just talked to J.K., and I own ALL the characters! They're mine to maul and humiliate!". Then again, I don't know about some of you.... just kidding. I love you all. But if you want me to continue this story, because for a while last night I seriously was considering dropping it, you have to go read and review "Marauders:Exposed". It's a story I wrote and absolutely adore, but no one else seems to like it. It's pretty short, just TRY to read it, please? Okay, on with this messed up excuse for a fic...(grumble grumble)  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Harry woke up early the next minute because his bed was vibrating. Not only vibrating, but shaking at such a rate that one would be lead to two possible conclusions: one, an earthquake of Apocalyptic proportions had just hit England, or two, Dudley was running down the stairs. As it turns out, the mamoth dog at the end of his bed was scratching himself with his paw.  
*ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch* Sirius was thought-saying.  
"W-W-W-What's Wr-Wr-Wr-Wr-onggggg," Harry managed to stammer out. (A/N: the bed's shaking, and that's why Harry's got a stutter worse than Quirrell's).  
*i dunno, but dammit it hurts!* Sirius thought-said. *come stratch my back, quick!*  
Harry flipped down to the end of his bed and was vigorously scratching his godfather's back. Eventually, he seemed to be soothed.  
*ah...that's better...OUCH! i think something just bit me!* Sirius started to scratch again.   
Harry would have laughed if his godfather hadn't been in such pain. "Snuffles, I think you've got, well-" Nope, Harry couldn't help it. He laughed.  
*what's so funny?!*  
"I think you've got fleas!"  
Sirius stared up at him with his big brown eyes. *you've got to be kidding me*  
"Come on, boy, I'll take you to the vet."  
*no, not the vet!* The scratching intensified for a moment. *well, okay*  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Remarkably, Harry was able to get leave from his uncle to take Snuffles or whatever you want to call him to the vet. He sat in the plastic chair in the examining room as Snuffles grumbled on top of the cold, metal table.  
*this is so degrading....ouchy ouchy it itches.....*  
Finally, the vet came in. He was a middle aged man that sort of reminded Harry of a pudgy Mr. Weasley. "How long have you had this dog?" he asked Harry.  
"Erm, about three days. But I've known him for longer," Harry said.  
The vet gave him a strange look. "Okay. Has he had his shots?"  
Harry bit his lip. "Well...." Sirius shook his large doggy head. "No."  
"I see. Have you considered neutering him?" Sirius shook his large doggy head very vigorously.   
"No! No, I haven't," Harry quickly replied.  
"He's a little underweight," the vet continued, examining him.  
*yeah, you try living in azkaban for twelve years, tubby! see what it does to your figure!*  
The vet diagnosed Snuffles with a case of the fleas (well, duh. glad he went to school for that, huh?) and gave Harry the perscription for the medicine, which he could get at the counter outside the office. Sirius seemed very glad to get out of there when the doctor called them back.   
"Wait! We've forgotten his shots!"  
Sirius froze. *shots? as....as in needles?*  
"Oh, don't tell me you're scared!" Harry said as he tried to drag Sirius back into the office.   
*no! no way in frozen hell am i going back into that pit of death! NO!!!! NO I TELL YOU!*  
Harry grunted and pushed his godfather through the door. "Stop it, Snuffles! Come on now, act your age!"  
Finally, with the help of the vet, two nurses, a leash, a muzzle, and a sedative, the shots were finally administered. Harry then went to the counter to get the flea medication, dragging Sirius along, who was still under the influence of all the drugs just pumped into his body.  
*whoa, harry, check out that bunny...hee hee...it's pink...and it sings...HEY! what did you just call me? you lousy rabbit!*  
Harry sighed as he waited in line, behind a man in shabby clothes and light brown hair, a man that looked all too firmiliar from the back.   
"Moony?"  
The man turned around, his jaw dropped in surprise. "Harry! What are you doing here? Where's-" he peered behind Harry, "Snuffles!"  
*eh............*  
"He's a little out of it. They had to give him a sedative to administer his heart worm shot."  
"Aw, poor boy," Remus said, crouching down to pat him on the head. "He's never been fond of needles."  
Sirius suddenly seemed to snap awake when Remus scratched his ear. *OH MY GOD! RUN FOR IT, HARRY, IT'S A WEREWOLF!*  
Remus stood up, looking offended. "No crap."  
"You can hear him?" Harry asked.  
"Sure I can. I put the spell on, after all," Remus said, looking a little proud of himself. "I'd smack you for that comment if you weren't drugged up," he said, pointing a threatening finger at Sirius.  
*i'm so intimidated*  
Remus rolled his eyes. "So, anyway, why are you two here?"  
"He's got fleas," Harry said, sticking a thumb out at Sirius.   
Remus dropped to his knees, laughing hysterically. "You....fleas? I. Told you. To get. Your shots. HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Remus gasped for breath and finally got to his feet again.  
"Well, why are you here?" Harry asked.  
"Oh, I've been getting flea and tick shots since I was six years old. Ever since I was bit," he explained. The nurse came back and handed him a bag with some pills in it. "See you later!" he said cheerfully, strolling out the door. Harry chuckled and shook his head as he waited for the medication. He knew some strange people.....  
*hey harry*  
"Oh, look who's suddenly coherent!"  
*you know, all those drugs sure gave me the munchies*  
"Those are medical drugs! They DON'T give you the munchies!"  
Sirius nudged his head against a big box of puppy treats.  
*whattya say?*  
"Well, it's Uncle Vernon's money anyway...I guess so..."  
*that's a boy!*  
Harry mumbled to himself as he payed for the medicine and treats. "I'm buying puppy treats...for my godfather...this makes Hermione having a crush on a werewolf last year seem almost normal. Almost."  
*she had a crush on...who?! you're kidding me!*  
Harry remember his promise to keep quiet about it. "Uh, nevermind, different werewolf. You don't know him."  
Sirius seemed disappointed. *oh, okay*  
And Harry mentally laughed at his gullible godfather all the way home.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
hope you liked the latest installment! like i said before, if you want me to continue, go read and review "Marauders:Exposed" it's such a twisted story, i won't blame you if you don't like it. okay, see you. oh, and just so you know, i've got something planned for the next chapter. something shocking, and i will probably feel really dirty writing it...oh man....see you. HEY WAIT A MINUTE! I forgetted to tell you something....if you want to expand on the Hermione having a crush on Remus thing that I meantioned above, I wrote this story called "Who's in Love With the Big Bad Wolf". It's really cute, but if you don't like how it's going or you're bored with it, feel free to skip to the last chapter. I've gotten a lot of compliments on that chapter. See ya! 


	5. Correction-THIS Is the Most Screwed Up C...

Disclaimer/Notes: This is awful. I want to apologize for it. I wouldn't continue to write it, except so many people asked me to continue. I hope you're happy. (I don't own these characters)  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Luckily, Snuffle's case of fleas had cleared up by the end of the week, and while he was healing, he had actually behaved himself. For the most part anyway. There had been a few incidences involving Hedwig, who had gone to hide at Ron's house. Well, you can't expect a Marauder to behave himself all the time, can you? :)  
Harry and Snuffles were sitting in the kitchen one sunny afternoon, resting from a hard day's work of replanting some of Aunt Petunia's Patented Precious Petunias. Or at least Harry was resting; Sirius was as hyper as he'd ever been.  
*i wanna do something!*  
"Like what?"  
*how `bout we go for a walk*  
"No."  
*tug-a-war?*  
"No."  
*hide-and-go-seek?*  
"No!"  
*aw c'mon harry, i have to do something to expel all this energy. anything!*  
Harry got up and opened the back door. "Go run around the backyard for a while. See what happens."  
Sirius hung his head and trotted outside. *and i thought remus was no fun...geesh...*  
When Harry came back into the kitchen, he almost let out an audible groan. Aunt Petunia was sitting at the table with none other than the insufferable Mrs. Winterbottom.  
"Why, hello Harry!" she said. "Where's your little doggy friend?"  
"Outside."  
"How nice!" she said, far too cheerfully. Harry had a feeling that she was still questioning his sanity.  
He was forced to put together a salad in the kitchen while the two women gossiped. Some barking and a howl came rolling in through the window. Mrs. Winterbottom stood up and looked outside the window into her own backyard.  
"That's odd. I could have sworn I left Mitzy outside, but now I don't see her," she said, shrugging it off as another howl sounded. Mitzy was Mrs. Winterbottom's prize yellow labrador. Harry felt his stomach plunge. He forgot the salad and sprinted out the backdoor. He had a very good idea where Mitzy was.  
"SNUFFLES! NO!"  
*~*~*~*~*~that night~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Sirius, I can't believe you!" Harry was still scolding.  
*what's your problem, harry? i told you that you were insecure*  
"In the backyard, though? She's not even your species! Not technically, anyway."  
*okay, you have a point, but did you HAVE to use the hose? the water was cold*  
"That's the point."  
Sirius gave a disgruntled grunt and slumped down on the bed. *i warned you that i had energy to expel*  
"Yeah, too bad Hermione wasn't here," Harry muttered under his breath. He forgot that dogs have much better hearing than humans.  
*FOR THE LAST FRIGGIN' TIME! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!*  
"The point is, you have two strikes against you. One more, and it's back to the vet for a neutering."  
*you are going to be in so much trouble when i'm a human again*  
The two sat in silence for a while.  
"I'm sorry."  
*me too*  
"I promise I'll stop being a grouch."  
*and i'll stop pressing buttons with your insecurity*  
Harry threw his hands up in defeat. "It's a deal."  
More silence.  
*hey harry?*  
"I'm not scratching your tummy again."  
*i got a letter from dumbledore today*  
Harry's heart fell into his stomach. He knew what was coming. "What'd he say?"  
*he says that if i don't leave, he'll impose a plague on my line more terrible than that which befell egypt*  
"Hmm, wonder where he got that idea."  
*i haven't a clue*  
"So, you're leaving when?"  
*tomorrow*  
"Dammit."  
*i know. there's a lesson for you, you'll never get away with forging dumbledore's signature. mcgonnagal, however, is a different story*  
Yet another silent pause.  
"I'll miss you, Snuffles."  
*i'll miss you too, kid*  
Harry heard a firmiliar choking sound in his head. "Snuffles, are you crying?"  
*no.........*  
"Yes, you are, you don't have to lie to me!"  
*(sniffle sniffle) i'm not*  
"Now who's the insecure one?"  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
that's two mushy endings for me! hey, please go read my other stories. "Harry Learns the Facts of Life" is probably the funniest, followed by "Wrong On So Many Levels". i think. well, go read them if you want a laugh. and don't forget "Marauders:Exposed"! More of a dirty Sirius in the next chapter. And I don't mean dirty as in another bath..... (omg, i feel the need to go to confession. damn my morals) 


	6. Apply the Last Chapter's Title To THIS C...

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own the Harry Potter characters, and this story has officially been sold to Satan. That makes two of mine he has, dammit.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
When Harry woke up the next morning, a feeling of gloom spread over him. No, it wasn't the socks, who had been strangely inactive since Sirius had chewed up one of their leaders. His godfather was leaving today, and Harry would once again be all alone with the evil Dursleys (not to mention the infamous socks. damn them, the infamous socks!) Speaking of the Dursleys (damn them too), they had once again left for the gym. Harry hadn't even bothered to get out of bed. Sirius jumped up next to him and rested his chin on Harry, staring up at his godson.  
"Don't give me those big puppy dog eyes."  
*what other eyes am i supposed to give you?*  
Harry didn't laugh at the joke. He couldn't even muster a smile for his godfather's comfort.  
*don't be too sad. i'll write you a lot. i promise. and maybe dumbledore will let you come visit me and moony once he gets over the whole forging of the threat thing.*  
"Yeah, I guess. You know, since you're leaving, and the Dursleys aren't here anyway, you could just as well transform."  
He did so. "Good idea," he said, a human once again.  
The doorbell rang. Harry started a long string of curses as he got up to answer it. "Ron, Hermione! You came back!"  
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.  
"Well, I didn't think you'd want to visit us again, considering..." Harry shot a look at his godfather. Sirius waved bashfully from the door.  
"That's in the past," Hermione said, amazingly unscathed by the event.  
"Thanks," Sirius said. It was obvious he was still really embarressed about it. And rightfully so.  
Harry explained to them about why Sirius was in human form and how he had to leave. Ron and Hermione both seemed sad for Harry.  
"Hey, maybe you can come stay with us for a while, if Dumbledore'll let you," Ron suggested.  
"Maybe...." Harry trailed off, trying not to feel sorry for himself.   
"Well, I guess I better go," Sirius said regretfully. A moment of indecision was apparent on his face. "Hermione, could I talk to you for a second?"  
"Um, sure," Hermione said, and she followed him into Harry's cupboard.  
Harry and Ron sat for a long time discussing the Chudley Cannons, the weather, school, what an idiot Snape was, the new DADA teacher, well, to cut myself off, they discussed a lot. For a long time. And Sirius and Hermione were still in the cupboard.  
"Wonder what's taking them so long," Hermione's boyfriend (Ron) said innocently.  
Harry experienced an all too firmiliar sinking in his stomach. "Quick Ron, get the hose, cover your eyes, and don't ask any questions!"  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* (A/N: don't you love the way I only imply things? them's my morals fer ya!)  
  
Luckily for Hermione, her boyfriend followed Harry's orders about the eye covering. They left. Harry spent the next five minutes talking to Sirius, but was unable to say anything but sentence fragments. Here's some of that awkward conversation:  
"......on my bed......"  
"We were talking!"  
"....fourteen years old....."  
"And we happened to wrestle!"  
".....my best friend....."  
"It's not my fault!"  
"....my best friend's girlfriend..."  
"Stop being so insecure!"  
See, what'd I tell you? Awkward conversation. Finally, Harry was able to form a complete sentence.  
"It's back to the vet's with you."  
"NO!" Sirius fled out the door and vowed to send Harry a howler the minute he reached Moony's. Of course, he didn't, because it wasn't the poor kid's fault that he was innocent to the ways of the world.   
And our story ends with a nice image of the outcasted, abused Sirius walking into a sunset.....  
"What do you mean it ends there?" Sirius asked, turning away from the brilliant sunset I'd painted in all of your minds.  
Oh dammit, I forgot that Sirius and I can communicate. Yes, Sirius, the story ends here. Maybe we could have continued it, but if you got any raunchier, I wasn't going to be able to write it.  
"You call that bad? You should read some of the other stuff people write about me!"  
No, actually, I don't think I will....  
"Oh, that's right, I forgot, you have a crush on Remus."  
SHUT UP!  
"OoOoOoh, someone's got a crush, someone's got a crush," he sang.  
At least he isn't, like, twenty years younger than me!  
"No, he's, like, twenty years older than you."  
Well, at least we're the same species!  
"Technically, no, you're not."  
I hate you.  
"I know you do. But I just love you so much! And love to torment you even more!"  
Yeah, I got that idea a few stories back. Now, however, I will always be able to be your superior because you humped Hermione's leg! And not to mention what happened in this very chapter-  
"We were wrestling!"  
Um-hmm. Sure. I'm the author, you dolt, you can't lie to me.  
"This sort of thing wouldn't happen, you know, if you wrote me a girlfriend!"  
I do not make up characters! So unless you want to date McGonnagal or Sinistra....or REMUS, (Sirius gags) as it is so popular with so many other authors, I would suggest you keep your mouth shut.  
"So, don't make someone up. You have friends, don't you."  
None that you're worthy enough to date.  
"Ouch."  
*An idea is starting to form in the author's twisted mind.* Hey, have you ever met my best friend's little sister, Ashley?  
"Probably not."  
You want a girlfriend, you got it Padfoot! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! All ye readers, pay attention! Look for my upcoming fic, "A Guest in Gryffindor" (title pending) in which Sirius has a girlfriend! (Although the main point of the story is that Snape has to spend a few days in Gryffindor tower, rooming with our favorite lads, because Sirius and James did something to the Slytherin dorms. I think it's going to be funny. We'll see. I'll certainly make a valiant attempt)  
"This Ashley chick?"  
*an evil smile*  
"Uh oh. You better end this story right now."  
I tried that about a page ago. With the sunset? Remember?  
"Oh yeah, that."  
THE END (`bout time, too) 


End file.
